Retraining Myself to be Positive

So, I’ve been in a slump lately. I was fatigued, negative, edgy, and not very kind to myself. Something just felt out of alignment.

At first I thought I’d been indoors too much since my eldest two have been at summer camp during the day. So I got outside more, made sure I focused on hydration, got some exercise, socialized… the basics. No change.

I took some time to really listen to myself. To tend to that rattling in the back of my mind that often gets lost amidst the daily tantrums and skirmishes, to-do lists, and meal planning. I realized I was processing my eldest child’s progression into kindergarten, to her becoming a 5-year-old. Since her impending birthday was the anniversary of her birth, I was also revisiting her traumatic birth. Old wounds that had never fully healed but had been forgotten amidst the daily grind were calling out for attention.

Now that I knew the problem, I could seek resolution. I wrote my post about my traumatic birth experience. It was challenging to write but cathartic. However, it brought that back-of-mind swirling to the forefront and, let’s be honest, that sucks.

Knowing this was a healthy part of the healing process, I released my mind to circle the memories, to relive, to process. Without this allowance, I would have subconsciously stewed and remained in a lopsided, anxious state, unable to attain harmony. So, I sacrificed a few days to the cause.

This morning, while driving to the grocery store, I could feel the negativity within me. I’d allowed it sanctuary for long enough. As I drove up the tall slope of the exit ramp, I noted the blue of the sky, the sun, the trees, the beauty in the everyday. “Be light,” I thought, “breathe out darkness.” With that, I took a deep breath, held it, and released. Once more… inhaled, held, released. Then, I smiled. I felt the light within me grow. “Be positive. Feel positive. Experience positive.”

I remembered how a simple errand can be perceived entirely differently purely based on one’s mental state. I reminded myself of that as I entered the store. I focused on my vibe… on emitting positivity and acceptance. I knew my vibe would dictate my experience. I smiled, I nodded, I said, “hello.” It felt good.

I hit a minor stumbling block: a woman absent-mindedly stopped her cart in the center of the aisle and walked away. At first, I felt irritation brew within me. “No,” I thought, “be positive.” So, I backed up my own cart and went down another aisle. “I’m in no real rush. I can walk extra steps. It’s just more exercise,” I reframed the scenario. “Perhaps there’s a reason I should go this way.”

I maintained my mental exercise and the longer I did it the better I felt. The more natural it became. My comfortable rhythm was returning.

I’m still a work in progress and not universally positive — my kids would likely counter that I employ strict standards and a “mean mommy voice” regularly — but I am OK with being “mean mommy” because it is, at the very root, out of love. I want my children to known boundaries and to acknowledge that their actions have reprocussions. However, outside of maintaining structure and discipline, I try to stay positive. I strive to be harmonious. When I do, I feel better and more balanced. I thrive when I focus on appreciation, gratitude, exuding light, and being accepting. It’s a journey.

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