The Pep Talk

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Sometimes you see stuff coming, and sometimes you just don’t. As in, not at all. Yesterday was one of those times I was blindsided… entirely so.

12 days into winter break. Survival mode and low parenting standards were in full swing. With three full days remaining in our lengthy school hiatus, we were at the playground with friends trying desperately to encourage interactions with others instead of continuing our sibling civil war.

My 8-year-old daughter, the self-proclaimed leader of our offspring herd, borrowed our friends’ scooter and a mohawk-festooned helmet. Off she went, pushing-and-rolling her way down to the tennis courts where a smattering of kids were scootering around the fenced perimeter.

My daughter entered the makeshift scooter rink as I half-watched (OK, three kids on a playground and a half-quadrillion hours into winter break with — FINALLY — semi-uninterrupted adult conversation, I was maybe 1/8-watching her. But still, I was somewhat aware. Kind of. Ish.) A few minutes in, she ran up to me, lugging the borrowed scooter and unfastening the spikey helmet.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, hugging her petite frame against my hip. “They said I look weird!” She whimpered. I turned away from my socializing and rubbed her back as I spoke, “I’m sorry! That’s not nice of them.” I paused, harnessing my inner helicopter mom who wanted to haul out and give those judgmental scootering snots a mommy monologue.

I looked down at the borrowed helmet she’d tossed at my feet. “That looks like a pretty cool warrior’s helmet to me,” I assessed. She was leaning against my side, gaze down. I clearly needed a different approach.

“What would Aaron do?” I asked her, referencing my middle son — her younger, incredibly annoying yet beloved brother who is fearlessly sparkly and unabashedly flamboyant. She looked me in the eyes and I had an oh-shit-where-am-I-going-with-this moment. Quite uncharacteristically, I began speaking without actually thinking about the words coming out of my mouth. The utterances just rattled out in some inspired semblance of poignancy. Thank goodness!

“He wouldn’t let those mean kids stop him. He’d say, ‘That sounds like a them problem.’ Right?” My mouth said. She nodded, hugged my hips, and popped the mohawk’ed helmet on her ash blond head.

“That worked!” I said to my friends with equal parts relief and surprise. “That worked?” I said to myself. “I need that pep talk when I look in the mirror,” one friend said, “‘That’s a them problem.'” She mimicked telling herself. We laughed but knew we could all use such confidence.

I wished it would work for me.

15 minutes — and numerous bouts of kid squabble mediation — later, my middle son chasse’d up to me in his unicorn-covered ensemble. “She’s being nice to me,” he said in reference to his sister. “That’s good.” I stood listening for the formal complaint or problem I had to resolve. “She said I helped her remember it was a ‘them problem’ and now she’s ok.” I smiled, relieved and still quite surprised my unplanned pep talk was — apparently — effective. “Good!” I replied, hugging his thin frame against me. And off he leapt and twirled to the impromptu scooter rink.

More chatting and more kid wrangling ensued in the passing 20’ish minutes. Then, my sparkly son returned to my side again. “What’s up?” I said, as he blankly stared up at my with his enormous, lushly fringed blue eyes. “She’s still being nice to me,” he said. “She told me that I can have her morning treat tomorrow.” I asked why she offered this reward. “Because she said that I helped her feel OK about liking things that the boys liked and that now she’s happy.” And right then tears welled in my eyes, my heart swelled, and a bubble of relief and love crowded my throat.

I smiled wide, blinked away the tears, and cleared my throat. “That’s so nice! I’m glad.” I said to him. And off he scampered.

I turned back to my friends who were kindly looking towards me with lovingly inquisitive faces. “Sometimes you’re surprised to find out you actually did something right,” I said and I gave myself a tiny pat on the back as I sighed out years of self-doubt.

Sometimes — sometimes — we get it right.

My Tips for Raising a Sparkly Son

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Being the mom of a gender-bending son (a “sparkly boy”, as we lovingly call it in our family) is lonely. Few are openly walking this path — often out of fear for their children and/or themselves — so it is near impossible to find a group of people — or even one other local family — who allow their sons to sparkle when, where, and how they so choose. This means there’s little opportunity to share insights, experience, guidance, or support.

As there’s little community for us, I offer this: my tips for raising a sparkly son. Take or leave what you will. Apply it as your heart sees fit for your life and your child. I simply extend efforts that have proven invaluable to us as suggestions for other parents seeking guidance.

Tip #1: Accept with no exceptions. “Mommy loves you always, no matter what, and more than you will ever know.” This is a constant reminder in our home since my children were but moments old. My children know that they are unendingly, unconditionally, and unabashedly loved no matter what they do, no matter who they love, no matter who they become. This goes for my hyper-competitive daughter, my sparkly middle son, and my rough-and-tumble marshmallow-centered youngest son. I practice acceptance so that they learn and see the habit. We read about acceptance. We discuss accepting others and self. Acceptance is a part of our family culture. They know that, in our home, grades will never be as important as being a kind human.

Tip#2: Talk about it. We talk about gender identity, gender norms, sexuality, and inclusion. We read kids books about kindness and inclusion. We peruse inclusive history books that note the contributions of individuals from all backgrounds and walks of life. We discuss my sparkly son’s gender-bending interests within and outside of the family. It is not presented as shameful or something to be hidden. We are open and fully accepting of his tendencies, thus outwardly and inwardly establishing the unwavering expectation that others should follow suit. We give it voice. We honor it. We recognize it. We establish the norm by presenting our own.

Tip #3: Be the biggest supporter. Show no fear. Show no shame. Be as proud of your sparkly son as you would be of any of your children. Be steadfast in your stance to allow him to sparkle when, where, and how he chooses. Be strong. Be lovingly fierce. Be determined to make this a world where future children and families shouldn’t even have to question whether it is safe or acceptable to allow their children to be true-to-self. Never give him reason to doubt your loving position as his greatest ally.

Tip #4: Communicate with the school. Out your family. It’s scary, but it’s the best and most valuable step you can take. Be brave. Schedule a meeting with your son’s principal and make sure the school will be a safe, supportive space for your child and establish firm steps for handling fallout. Meet with his teachers before each school year, being clear about your son’s tendencies, your family’s stance on those inclinations, and your expectations for classroom management as well as requesting open communication between school and home. Meet with any of your other children’s teachers to give them a heads-up on the sibling situation, as classrooms are not vacuums; your son’s sparkle will affect your other child(ren) in some way at some point. Communicate openly with fellow parents so that they know what discussions to initiate at home, and open yourself up as a resource to any of their questions. Establish a relationship between your child(ren) and the school counselor, just in case (there’s zero harm or risk in doing this… pure benefit.) It’s better to communicate clearly, establish expectations, and offer everyone a chance to succeed, rather than reactively putting out potentially avoidable fires. Plus, if your son is happily sparkling everywhere, it’s really not a secret anyway.

Tip #5: Be realistic. As much as we would like our fellow humans to be open, accepting, kind individuals, that’s not always going to be the case. It’s not our job to shelter or change our children in light of potential unkindness. Instead, we must help our children assess, prepare for, and address possible risks. So, before your son wears a pink tiara to the playground or a Rapunzel dress for Halloween, have a loving talk with him. Tell him that, though it’s not ok to do so, some people may react to his ensemble choice negatively. Tell him that he should only seek friends who are kind to him and love him, but that he should be prepared in case someone is unkind. Discuss how he would react and respond to such a situation. Really talk it through. Empower him. Remind him that his interests are ok and that he shouldn’t hide who he is simply because someone might possibly maybe be unfriendly. Guide him through this journey while reassuring him that he is loved, supported, and absolutely beautiful as he is.

Tip #6: Be creative. Think outside of the box… your son is! Right now, there’s a counterculture movement that celebrates females who buck the norm and dive into S.T.E.M., who reign in sports, or who rebuke stereotypical femininity. Males are not quite as empowered to shed their own gender norms yet. So you may find dinosaur hoodies and airplane t-shirts in the girls clothing section, but you’d be hard-pressed to encounter princess pajamas or unicorn flip-flops in the boys section. So, take your child’s lead and stop caring about labels and categories and gender sections. Dig in and shop the girls section. Scan the famous Olympic figure skater, Johnny Weir’s Instagram for outfit inspiration. Turn to tunics, shirtdresses, sequined tops, jeggings, kilts, and unisex-cut shimmery accessories. Be bold. Be resourceful. Make it fun.

Tip #7: Do not bend, so he will not break. Whether it’s family not accepting your son’s interests, classmates making unkind remarks, teachers not meeting the bar for classroom management, strangers being intolerant, or even your spouse having doubts, do not allow your son see you falter. Do not give him reason to doubt his right to be who he is. Do not let a whisper slip into his mind that he is not supported, not accepted, or that he is somehow lesser. Do not feed or create self-doubt (or, worse yet, self-loathing), and don’t let anyone else do it either. We all know the terrible, gut-wrenching statistics on self-harm for kids, teens, and adults who are not supported in their gender and sexuality journeys. Don’t let your child be one of those statistics! If you are iron-strong in your support of your child, if you lovingly yet firmly demand that others honor him for who he is, if you openly rebuke unkindness and intolerance, your child will hold that strength within himself. Give him no reason to doubt himself.

We are a rare breed, we moms to sparkly boys, and we are forced in love to navigate an uncharted, lonely path. But on we plod on because love matters most.

You can do this, and so can your son. Know that every victory and every struggle is worthwhile. When you are on the side of love, you are on the right side. And this, my fellow mama, is most definitely a journey of love.

Keep loving. Keep fighting. Keep listening to your mama heart.

You are not alone.

The Curly Girl Method According to Me

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I have been asked numerous times over the last 3.5 years what I do to manage my curls. Every time I respond, “The Curly Girl Method!” 9 times out of 10, people look at me cockeyed and request an explanation. So, finally, after multiple friends and strangers prompting me to type out this post, I am finally getting off my lazy rear and doing it.

So, here it is. The Curly Girl Method… my way.

OVERVIEW
Using Lorraine Massey’s “The Curly Girl Method” is life-changing. Not literally, well kind of, in that it helps you love, instead of loathe and perpetually battle, your natural hair texture. You can Google “Curly Girl Method” for real specifics, but these are the basics in my arsenal:
1. Co-wash only. Wash with certain conditioner, not shampoo, as curly and wavy hair require more moisture than straight hair.
2. Use only water soluble products. Anything with silicone, parabens, any ingredients that end in “-cone”, “-xane”, or “-zane” is a solid no because it will not wash out with conditioner and will damage your hair.
3. Do not screw with your natural curl/wave pattern. Do not brush it and do not use hot tools on hair, as this disrupts the hair’s natural texture. You’ll be amazed how much easier it is to style and how much nicer the curl/wave pattern is when your hair is healthy and finally understands what you want it to do. Straight one day, wavy another, curly the next… that would give me an identity crisis too! Let your hair do its thing and see how happy it is.

Once you get used to it, this is a super easy, cheap, and sustainable process. It’s great for kids as conditioner doesn’t sting your eyes!

STEP 1

Before you start this method, you MUST wash out all of the previous products that have barnacle’d themselves onto your strands. This is called a “final wash.” (If you ever get a salon haircut that is not a Deva cut, or inadvertently use products that aren’t Curly Girl friendly, you will need to do a “final wash” again, then resume usual Curly Girl habits.) To do this, you can use baby shampoo, Suave Essentials Shampoo, or even dish soap. Condition WELL with Curly Girl friendly conditioner (like: Suave Essentials or DevaCurl One Condition), and style as noted below.

MAINTENANCE
A cheap and readily available Curly Girl friendly conditioner is Suave Essentials (Ocean Breeze is good, the Coconut is ok but any coconut-based product can overload your hair with protein which can lead to dry, tangle-prone hair. If you get a protein overload, wet hair in the shower, pour on a cup or two of apple cider vinegar directly on the roots, scrub, rinse, then condition with a less protein-heavy conditioner.) For a nicer cleansing product, I recommend DevaCurl One Condition, which you can find at Ulta in big containers. You can use DevaCurl No Poo (NOT the Low Poo varierty) too if you need a little extra scalp cleansing.

Washing: Simply wet hair in the shower, cleanse with conditioner (scrubbing the scalp with finger pads and washing down the length of the strands) like you would if thoroughly shampooing. Comb through (this is the only time you detangle… NEVER brush/comb dry hair) with a wide-toothed comb.

Rinsing: Rinsing upside down is awesome, as it keeps some conditioner on the outer layer of hair, which is the area that gets the most weathered by the elements. But, rinsing normally is fine too. If hair needs a little more moisture, finger-comb some conditioner from mid-strand to ends, let it set while you shower, then rinse.

Drying: Use an old t-shirt to dry hair (no roughing up the hair… just blot or twist into a turban.) Apply a small amount of Curly Girl friendly leave-in conditioner (Kinky Curly Knot Today is available at Target and most drugstores) to damp hair.

Pre-styling: In still-damp hair, create your desired part. Finger-define (twirl around your finger AWAY from the face) the top section of hair and any face-framing pieces. And let air dry overnight, if headed to bed, or move to styling.

STYLING
There’s a quick method (best for everyday and for kids) and a longer – but definitely worthwhile for a good hair day – method. It all depends on your time, patience, and give-a-crap level that day.

The Quick Styling Method
1. Start with damp hair. If hair isn’t freshly co-washed, spray to wet it (fill a plastic spray bottle with water, add a dollop of your conditioner, a smaller dollop of gel – like Miss Jessie’s Jelly Soft Curls –, and *optional* a couple of drops of avocado oil. Shake it up to mix, spritz hair, keep it in your bathroom, and now you have what is called a “refresh spray.”)
2. Create your desired hair part, if not already done.
3. Section hair into 2-3 horizontal sections, clipping each away separately (metal or plastic alligator clips work great for this and can be found almost anywhere.)
4. Add a golf ball size dollop of Curly Girl friendly mousse (Herbal Essences Totally Twisted Mousse is widely available) to your hands and rake it through the bottom section. Then, finger-define (twirl) 1″ wide sections of hair. Unclip the next section and repeat the process. Always twirl AWAY from the face, as this is most flattering. Really focus on giving definition, by way of twirling, the top and face-framing pieces.
5. Air dry.

The Long Styling Method
1. Repeat steps 1 and 2 of The Quick Styling Method.
2. Section hair into 3-5 horizontal sections, clipping each away.
3. Add a golf ball size dollop of Curly Girl friendly mousse (such as Herbal Essences Totally Twisted Mousse or John Frieda’s Curl Reviver Mousse) to your hands, work it from mid-strand to ends then work any remaining product up toward the roots. Finger Define (twirl) small (1/4”) wide sections of hair. ALWAYS twirling away from the face.
4. Repeat this process until each section is mousse’d and twirled.
5. Use alligator clips to pin-curl face-framing and top layer curls (this gives them extra hold.)
6. Plug in your hair dryer with a diffuser attachment. Set it to low/medium and the lowest heat setting, then dry the hair. Move the hair by moving your head around to give the style movement and volume (there are loads of YouTube videos that offer tutorials on this.) Be sure to focus on drying your roots, so you don’t wind up with dry ends and soggy roots… yuck!
7. Stop diffusing when hair is 70-80% dry.
8. Air dry.
9. Once hair is ENTIRELY dry, remove clips.
10. Gently scrunch any crunchy curls to release the product cast, and finger define any errant curls. Reset any stubborn curls with alligator clips in pin curls if needed. Then do. Not. Touch. Just leave your hair alone. Otherwise: frizz. Plus, it can take 30 minutes after styling for hair to settle and actually find its form. I am still frequently surprised by the transformation that can take place post-styling. So don’t freak out if your hair looks flat/poofy/less curly than usual right after all that effort. Give it a moment… just don’t touch!

Styling for Volume

If you’re like me and have finer hair, you’ll want to give a little lift to your roots. Here’s how.

1. Follow all of the steps in either The Quick Styling Method or The Long Styling Method. Once hair is entirely dry, shimy your fingers (palms facing towards your neck, fingers straight and spread apart, fingertips pointing upward towards the sky) up along the very bottom of your scalp and kind of fluff just the bottom layer with your fingers. Only pull the fingers an inch or two away from the scalp so as not to disturb the curl pattern. Now, get your hands out of there!

2. Flip your head over and shake your curls. You may lightly place your palm on your scalp with your fingers wide and lift up a half inch or so for volume on top, but this is dicey, especially if you’re frizz-prone. Skip it if you can’t risk frizz. Then flip your head back up and gingerly fix any errant curls with your fingers by finger-defining.

3. Next, and this step is vital: do NOT touch. Just don’t. Accept your curly fate. Worst case, twirl a couple of stubborn front pieces back and secure with bobbypins for a half-up ‘do.

TIPS

– If you really like a good scrub, want extra oomph at the roots, or don’t have strong hand muscles, this little scalp scrubber is great to use when washing hair.
– Use a satin pillowcase. If you’re traveling without your pillow, wear a satin hair bonnet (you can get it at Target, some pharmacies, or a beauty supply store.) This will minimize frizz and increase the amount of time you can go between washing and restyling.
– If opting for a ponytail/bun/updo, spray the front of the hair with water or the refresh spray before combing with fingers or the wide-toothed comb. (Though it’s not really approved by the Curly Girl Method, a Tangle Teaser brush can help get the front bits neat if you need a sleeker look, but always spray hair with water or the refresh spray before using.)
– Standard hair ties aren’t great for curly or wavy hair. Invisibobble hair ties are much kinder. Plus, they make thin-hair updos appear a bit fuller, and they hold hair up securely without the standard discomfort at the roots that traditional hair ties cause.
– Sea water and pool water do not require any special adjustment to the routine. Simply co-wash as usual.

MY TWO CENTS

I share alllllll of this not to convert you, but to offer an option. Especially for those of you who, like I did for years prior to adopting this process, loath and struggle with their hair. Or for so many of you who grapple with how to manage your child’s differently textured hair.

I think I can firmly state that there has been a monumental shift in not just my hair’s health and texture, but in my perception and acceptance of my hair, which has boosted my self-esteem and self-confidence beautifully. We all deserve to love our hair.

Before starting Curly Girl vs 3yr After using Curly Girl

Birth Trauma and Birthdays

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My heart is racing even considering typing this post, because writing it means thinking about it, and thinking about it means recalling it, and recalling it is just horrific. Isn’t that a terrible thing to say in regards to the birth of your first — and much wanted — child?

Despite my trepidation, I’ll keep diving — securely clinging to my safety rope to the present so as not to get sucked into the dark abyss of recollection — knowing someone somewhere needs to know they’re not broken or alone or wrong. That they needn’t shoulder the guilt others hoist upon them. That there is hope. That it does get better. It does.

I began having contractions on July18, 2011. Type-A and working from home on bedrest, I was still emailing and updating project implementation spreadsheets as I winced and grunted. Around midday, I stood to try to “walk off the pains” and I wound up on my knees, moaning, clutching the kitchen counter. I called my OB, whose office was closed for lunch, and left a message for her telling her that my husband and I were heading to the hospital.

Many hours and a traumatic birth later (story here), it was 3:36AM on July 19th. I had my daughter. We still had another round of resuscitation yet to go, a NICU stay, and some painful physical healing for my daughter and myself. But, it was over.

At least outwardly.

Inwardly, that event still haunts me 8 years later. I don’t sleepwalk or have baby-in-peril nightmares as I once did. I don’t get stuck seated on the toilet due to my physical wounds or cry during sitz baths as I once did. I don’t get faint or stop breathing at the mention of birth anymore. I don’t struggle to pull myself out of the vivid, palpable, horrific memories as I once did.

I do still find myself inexplicably tense, angry, flighty, and agitated as my daughter’s birthday approaches. Unwaveringly, I will look at the clock throughout the day of July 18th and be transported back to that Labor and Delivery room. I will get visions of the blank dry erase board that absorbed the sounds of my sobbing. And every year I awake at 3:36AM on July 19th and I shudder then sigh. But now I can return to sleep, the inky black bleed of the trauma now kept at bay. Throughout the day I will hide my ragged and raw emotions to celebrate my daughter. I will pretend all is well. This is “her day” after all. But the fact that I am capable of doing this is proof of healing not lost on me.

As real as my trauma is to me, birth traumas and birth-related PTSD like mine are dismissed. Shamed. Birth is positioned as beautiful and natural, as something to be regarded as sacred, spiritual, superhuman… not potentially lethal. Some of those who, like me, struggle(d) to conceive hoist their own pain upon mothers with birth trauma, insisting that the mother’s pain is negated by the birth of a child and wholly necessitates gratitude. Some say, “all births are tough” and shrug off the mothers’ pain. Some hold a sense of competition, perhaps rooted in self-preservation, to present their own birth story as more challenging or painful or trying that others’, which fuels them to discount other mothers’ traumas. Then there is the sect that views birth as an unsavory topic of conversation altogether and force mothers into stoic silence to quell their sensitivities. (As someone who openly discusses pelvic floor health or menstrual cups, digestive woes or breastfeeding with the same casual fluidity as chatting about Target purchases, this prudish leaning is a foreign mindset.)

The intent to shift public perspective of birth from medical to metaphysical is lovely. Beautiful. And yet the reverberations can hum as callous to those who do not share the glowing birth experience.

As hard as I try, I cannot perceive birth as anything but dangerous. As something to be brutally survived for the love of a child. Birth nearly killed my daughter and me; to me, its lethal potential, its dark and scarring qualities are unquestionable. As much as I wish this wasn’t true, it is. And I am not alone.

Mothers are expected to hide, bury, forget their birth traumas and heal physically and emotionally from the harrowing feat without perceptible scars. To bounce back in all ways. They are expected to tell and retell their children their birth stories. They are tasked with ignoring any of the day’s ghosts in favor of feigning joyous celebration. They are expected to feel sheer elation and abounding love at the mere glint of a birth recollection. Anything less is shameful, selfish, weak.

Any utterances regarding birth struggles will inevitably be met with, “but at least you had a baby” or “you should be grateful for your child.” A soldier’s PTSD would not be met with dismissive responses of, “you should be happy you got to serve” and “war is beautiful.” So, why are mothers’?

Eight years later, I am nearly a decade removed from my birth trauma. My physical wounds are long healed. My emotional wounds are in a state of healing. I am far from where I once was; happier, more present, capable of recalling without falling in. I am here. I am healing. I am trying. I am stronger than I ever knew.

It is better. So am I.

Now, to celebrate my daughter.

The Sting of Mis-gendering

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So… preferred pronouns. A few years ago, I did not understand them. I didn’t balk, necessarily, (like some) but I didn’t get it. After yesterday, though, yeah. I do. At least from my own cis-gendered mom to a sparkly son perspective.

Yesterday was a day of frequent mis-gendering. None of it was bigoted or intentional, but innocently misguided. Now, I understand that my 6-year-old sparkly son was self-styled in feminine flair fabulousness, but it didn’t make the well-intentioned mis-gendering any less frustrating.

The first time a lovely librarian helped my son find a unicorn book. He’d asked me to help him in his search but I was in the middle of settling a Lego squabble at the block table between my littlest and another pint-sized builder. So, I recommended that my 6-year-old ask the kind librarian who was shelving books for guidance. Fearless as ever, he brushed a flyaway hair off of his brow and sashayed over to the librarian. A few minutes later, he happily returned with a book.

“What great book!” I responded when he happily showed me his find. “Thank you,” I said to the librarian who had resumed shelving duties nearby. The librarian smiled and replied, “She asked me for a unicorn book but that’s not my specialty so I looked around for her and we found one! I hope she likes it!” Despite the librarian’s kindness and warm smile, every mis-gendering pronoun landed like a bee sting to my heart. I struggled to hide my agitation and maintain my smile despite knowing my son just witnessed this entire exchange.

We’re used to this by now and it was a fleeting interaction, so — given that my son didn’t do the telling shirt tug and wide-eyed glance up at me reaction — I knew it wasn’t worth correction. I exhaled and shuddered, trying to release the unintentional offense.

Not 10 minutes later, my sparkly son approached an assistance desk. A young librarian with stunning red hair and a tiny nose ring that twinkled in the iridescent overhead lighting greeted him. My son drove right into his request; he wanted to open a library card for his little brother. My son looked across the children’s section to me and I smiled knowing he’d likely baffled the librarian with his request. “I don’t have I.D., Mommy.” He said locking eyes with me as he shrugged his delicate shoulders. “What? You didn’t bring your driver’s license?” I teased, nudging him with my elbow as I fished my license from my purse. I explained his request to the librarian. She asked my sparkly son his name. “We have the same name!” the librarian said kindly, not realizing that his name was the identically pronounced male version of her own. Then the librarian noted how brave “she” (referencing my sparkly son) was in approaching the desk on “her” own. Two rounds of bee stings in such a short time, ow!

My son hadn’t heard any of this last mis-gendering — thankfully — as he was too focused on finding a ballet book in the shelves nearby. I, on the other hand, was chafed by the two closely timed social stumbles. As this was a fleeting and understandable mistake that hadn’t impacted my child, I didn’t correct the librarian.

Shortly before leaving, I had a brief interaction with another patron who saw my three children and, upon seeing my middle son’s attire, witnessing his interest in ballet and unicorns, and seeing his floral-hued ensemble, logically assumed he was a second daughter of mine. She had complimented my littlest’s kind playing habits and I thanked her. She noted that he seemed to enjoy the blocks. (He was roaring around the block table while holding a Lego creation at that precise moment.) I commented that he had stereotypically “masculine” interests — trucks, dinosaurs, anything that destroys stuff — and she said, “all boys do!” I cocked my head to the side, entirely releasing my attempt to conceal my inner workings, and said, “Hmmmm. Both of my boys and my daughter are different from one another.” I smiled then continued, “It’s amazing how three kids can come out so differently. Same gene pool. Same playroom. Same home. All different.” The patron smiled and nodded, then we, in friendliness, went our different ways.

Our library adventure was positive experience as a whole, with kind librarians helping us at every turn. It’s a shame that the sting of mis-gendering sullied the outing.

Do I blame the individuals for assuming incorrectly that my son was a girl? No. Am I offended in some quietly sexist way that my SON was thought to be a DAUGHTER? No, absolutely not. Am I angry at those who unintentionally mis-gendered? No.

But I’m fed up. I was sick of having to accept the stings with a smile. I was exhausted being mama Canada goose constantly on guard to protect my child.

I’m frustrated and annoyed and sometimes, at the end of a long day of verbal bee stings, I just feel like inappropriately yelling at people who are doing the stinging. But that wouldn’t help anything. It would only leave a bitter taste in their mouth that may unfortunately linger and sully their next interaction with a gender-bending individual. And I can’t be responsible for that.

Still, it gets tiresome. It’s lonely.

I know only one other mom of a young boy who truly allows her child to sparkle when, where, and how HE chooses. This loneliness gets heavy.

And, full-disclosure, in some typically less liberal, generally unaccepting locales, my sparkly son’s unisex name and ability to “pass” as a female has offered us a safety bubble from potentially unsavory feedback. Those erroneous assumptions allow my son to frolic freely in his mermaid-unicorn top, pastel shorts, and carefully French braided cropped hair. Onlookers simply and incorrectly assume he is a petite little girl with an edgy haircut. Meanwhile, my husband and I look on with the protective inclinations Canada geese, ready to run in to his or nip if needed.

With all of this exposure to the intricacies and frustrations of what some may deem “microaggressions”, I have developed a greater understanding of the need, value, and reasons for “preferred pronouns.” Just because an individual strikes us as obviously fitting in one gender category or the other, solely due to our antiquated and faulty societal conditioning, it doesn’t mean we should impose our assumptions on that individual. We certainly shouldn’t regard ourselves as some sort of gendering judge whose assessments should be wholeheartedly accepted. Or, worse yet, consider our convenience and ego of such great importance that we should be able to make these assumptions without correction.

Prior to developing a growing understanding of preferred pronouns, I had a certain ego-check awareness. As confusing as all of the possible terms — him, her, per, they… — were, I knew full well that my own inability to understand the concept and necessity of preferred pronouns was not indicative the topic’s validity but was more so a reflection of my own reasoning and comprehension shortcomings. But life, in its usual tongue-in-cheek way, took hold and granted me lessons by way of personal experience to truly clarify the matter. Thanks??

One day I hope more families allow their children to shine when, where, and how they want to without fear of judgment or safety. One day I hope it becomes commonplace for more gender-neutral terms to be used and the gender variances are accepted more widely. One day I hope we’ll be better humans.

We are but in the infancy of this movement towards bettering ourselves as a community. I have hope for one day.

Easy Ways I Save Money and the Earth Every Day

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Going green needn’t be expensive or complicated. One small effort at a time can add up to a significant impact. And saving the earth and your money can most certainly go hand-in-hand. Here are eight easy ways I save green while going green every day.

1. Washcloths instead of paper towels: Years ago, I ran across a Pinterest post of some fastidiously fashioned cloth “paper towel” roll made up of matching cloth rags that snapped together and formed a tidy roll. That creative idea was inspiring yet intimidating. With less than zero sewing talent, I knew that creating such a roll was beyond me. So, assuming that was the only way to swap out wasteful paper towels, I moved on. Then, an embarrassingly long amount of time later, it finally dawned on me: my substitute for paper towels didn’t have to look like paper towels, it just needed to be absorbent! And so a bin of washcloths came to live on my counter and the roll of paper towels was tucked beneath the countertop to discourage use and wean my paper-towel-loving husband from the preference. Trees saved. Money saved.

2. Cloth instead of paper napkins; One day as I wrote, “paper napkins” on my shopping list, I realized that I was literally throwing money away. I was buying a plastic-wrapped brick of disposable, single-use paper napkins when I could, instead, use cloth. At first, the idea of having something else to wash and fold made me hesitate, but now, it’s a non-issue. I just toss the cotton squares into the washer when they’re dirty. No special treatment. No ironing. No wasted money.

3. Reusable sandwich bags: I have a variety of reusable snack and sandwich bags. Some are cloth with tidy zippers, some are translucent silicone with a resealable top, some are more envelope-like and resemble cloth diapers — but swath sandwiches not baby bums — with hook-and-loop closures. I just toss the cloth bags in the clothes washer after use — with 3 kids and a husband who bikes or kayaks daily, there’s always laundry spinning in the machines — whereas the silicone bags simply require a quick hand wash and air dry. Easy, cheap, and plastic-free!

4. Silicone freezer bags: As a former breastmilk-pumping mom, I have a tried and true process for storing and freezing liquids. Soups, curries, sauces, stews… pour into a bag, squeeze out the air, seal, freeze it on its side, and — tada! — stackable frozen food bricks! The problem: wastefulness and expense. Freezer bags add up and they’re not free in their monetary or environmental impact. So, what do I do? I use silicone freezer bags. They’re a smidge smaller than the standard gallon size disposable variety, but just grab two and you’re golden. They’re easy to clean and last for countless reuses. They’re undeniably more cost-effective and environmentally-friendly than their plastic counterparts. They’re sturdy too… no more surprise leaks while thawing dinner!

5. Homemade veggie broth: As a gluten-free vegan mom of three who uses vegetable broth instead of oil to cook and eats raw most days until dinnertime, I use a significant amount of vegetables daily. I used to spend a small fortune on packaged vegetable broth every week, but now it’s practically free! Every time I haul out the cutting board, I grab my silicone freezer bag, and pop any produce scraps into the bag. I add to the frozen collection until a bag or two are full, then dump the frigid contents into my Instant Pot; cover the scraps with water; add salt, pepper, garlic powder, and a bay leaf; then cover and cook on the “soup” setting. After the broth has cooled a bit, I pour the broth through a strainer into a large bowl, quickly mash the cooked scraps in the strainer to release any extra liquid, then pour the broth into jars to refrigerate and use all week. The mashed scraps go in the backyard for the wildlife and are generally gone by the end of the day. Veggie broth from scraps, easy!

6. Water bottles: I drink a lot of water. So much so that those little mini pod-style water bottles are but one sip for me. That said, carrying around my own refillable water bottle is key. My kids have one bottle for home, one for going out, and one for bed. This saves both money and the earth.

7. Cloth produce bags: grocery cashiers LOVE this one! I’ve received unexpected compliments from a handful of cashiers already on this easy habit. Instead of placing my produce into plastic bags, I grab my produce, weigh it, print a label, stick it to the side of my reusable cloth bag, then add the produce to the bag. Depending upon the size/weight of the item, I may have 3-4 types of produce — each with it’s own label stuck to the side of the bag for easy scanning at the register — in a single bag. It makes check-out and grocery unloading much easier. And no wasteful plastic bags!

8. Old t-shirts to produce bags: For my frozen and shelf-stable grocery purchases, I use sturdier reusable bags, but for my produce I use all kinds of assorted small bags. One type being, my hand-made bags that formerly lived as t-shirts. I simply take an old tank top or t-shirt, snip off any sleeves, then stitch up the bottom. Now, my sewing skills are so tragic that I’m not sure if my stitching can actually be categorized as “sewing”, but even I can do this. If you have a sewing machine or trusted seam glue, go for it! Easy peezy free produce bag!

As the candid low-waste, frugal, vegan, mom-of-three YouTuber, The Fairly Local Vegan, often states, it’s better to have a lot of people living a low-waste life imperfectly than to have a handful of people living it perfectly. I am far from perfect in my efforts to be environmentally conscious. Sometimes convenience just wins out, or sometimes I forget to bring a reusable bag, or my kid forgets his water bottle. But I just keep trying.

As you incorporate green efforts into your life, do what works for you given your present life, circumstances, and priorities. Forget about what everyone is (or claims to be) doing. Do what works for you, because that’s the only way it’ll be sustainable.

Bikini Body Revisited

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I’m doing it again! Bikinis.

Yep, those scars are mine. My proof of life, of survival, of being beautifully human. And I refuse to hide them.

That’s right, no one-pieces for me. Not even when Endometriosis bloats my belly or when decades-old internal monologues pelt me with insults. But why?

Am I doing to to get attention? Am I doing it to show off my physique? Am I doing it to keep my diet in check? Nope. I’m doing it for my children.

I had four abdominal surgeries, three close-in-age children, breastfed my three offspring well beyond their first year, pumped breastmilk for donation that fed 30 other babies… this body has WORKED. This body has lived and struggled. This body has scars and strength, imperfections and curves, wrinkles and stories. This body deserves not to be hidden under sweaty layers of sandy lycra or regarded as “unworthy.” If it is a divine creation, it should be treated as such, with joyful celebration.

My children — my sons and my daughter — deserve to know that this is the body of a 36-year-old mom of three. That scars are not to be hidden but to be worn as badges of honor, because they mean I survived. That stretch marks are indicators of growth and life. That what makes us different makes us beautiful. That we shouldn’t hide ourselves out of fear of judgment and certainly never out of shame.

My children deserve to know that they should be proud of their own bodies and their own uniqueness. That they should accept others’ individual forms with loving appreciation. Because one day my children will have scars and stretch marks and individualities on their bodies. Because my children will encounter others with their own visible stories. Because one day they may love others whose bodies are different from their own, in one way or another. And I never want my children to regard those sacred memorials of life with anything other than love.

And as much as I’d love to communicate this message to my children from the flaw-hiding comfort of a perfectly ruched one-piece, how can I possibly effectively communicate this message of body acceptance if I am hiding my own frame? If I don’t demonstrate this, live this, and embody this, I cannot expect my children to love themselves and others without aesthetic prejudice. And, so, I must live it unabashedly myself. I must be an example. In a bikini.

When Memorial Day rolled around and Endometriosis had bloated my belly and winter stolen my tan, I truly wanted to reneg on my own self-imposed rule. Just for this summer. But I couldn’t. My children deserved better. I could do better. I had to be better.

So I put on my bikini and my smile. I ran and played and dug in the sun-warmed sand. And it was wonderful.

I wear a bikini because I want my children to see that THIS is a human body, a mother’s body, a real body. That THIS body, too, is beautiful. That THIS body is worthy of being shown and honored not in spite of, but because of, its imperfections.

Judgment and Motherhood

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Judgment. Man, like cold germs and cauliflower, it’s everywhere. No matter what you do or where you go, it’s there. But motherhood has provided me the biggest lesson in terms of dealing with it.

I remember the initial sting of judgment when, as I struggled through a shopping list at Target, my fiercely iron-willed then-2.5-year-old daughter tantrumed loudly in the store. No matter what I did, what I said, or how calmly I kept our errand moving, she persisted. Pushing the cart containing my purchases and my then-1-year-old son, my face grew red hot with anxious embarrassment. I didn’t even want to look up to see passersby. Then, a stranger stopped me and said that I needed to give my daughter a spanking. That was not a helpful statement. His face was creased with judgment, not softened by empathy or warmed by the desire to aid. He simply disapproved of my child’s behavior and my reaction to it. So he chose to share his internal negativity with me. Sadly, I was too novice then to refuse to accept it. I didn’t realize that that was an option.

Back then, I internally crumbled and seethed at the unsolicited input. I allowed the unwelcome negativity to weigh on me, to tear at me, to affect me. However, another kid and five years of parenting later, such a situation would elicit a different response.

Pre-kids me was constantly on alert for perceived or real external judgment. I truly cared what others thought of me. A side-eye or sneer would erode me. Fast-forward to three kids later, the sheer frequency and variety of judgment I have and do receive has granted me perspective I wished I’d owned years ago. Though I am aware and at times irritated by outside judgment, it in no way topples me as it once did. If anything, it enables me to properly respond to the judgment and assess the critiquer’s appropriate place within my life.

My response now: release the judgment and give space.

An outsider’s unsolicited judgment is and should be ineffectual. What does their opinion mean, particularly if it is an ill- or under-informed assessment? Often judgmental comments are rooted in incomplete information, lack of empathy, competitive drive, ego disruptions, and/or a tendency towards viewing the negative. All of those stimulating factors disqualify the accuracy of the judger’s perspective. The individual is unknowingly looking through a clouded window.

For example, before I had kids of my own, I judged parents with abandon. I assumed I could do it so much better than they could or that I somehow knew something that they didn’t. Then I became a parent. I swiftly realized I had known NOTHING. Those years of caretaking for my didabled brother, babysitting for children of all ages, nannying… nope. It lent me no meaningful insight. I thought it had — I truly did — but I just plain did not know a thing, and I can say with relative certainty that any parent who has made such an assumption themself will say the same thing.

I had never actually been a parent, so my information was inherently incomplete, flawed, inaccurate. Meaning, all of those judgments and assumptions I’d made over the years reflected more on me and my utter lack of awareness of myself and my limited knowledge than it did on those I was assessing.

That’s right. All of those negative ideas I had about others — yeah, well — those parents were the rubber and kid-free me was the glue and all of my foolish judgments were bouncing off of them and sticking right to me. I was unknowingly making a royal ass of myself. I did not know what I did not know and, boy, it showed.

The same notion goes for fellow parents judging other parents. One cannot possibly know the ins and out, before-during-and-after, detailed information that would enable a fully formed assessment to be made. Judging a fellow parent’s approach or their child’s behavior is not only unhelpful and unsupportive, but entirely pointless. If you’re concerned, offer support not critique. If a mom looks stressed, offer help or even a kind smile, not an eyeroll or a sneering whisper to your friend. Judgment just isn’t the right choice… don’t be human glue!

Now, a parent of a 7-, 6-, and 3-year-old, I have experienced judgement from self (SO much from self), family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and a plethora of strangers. As a result of that wealth of exposure, I have realized the value in distancing myself from those whose natural inclination is to critique, especially those who have not yet realized the limitations of their life experiences in granting them clarity.

I should neither give credence to judgers’ snark, nor welcome them with regularity into my life. They and their judgment should be granted distance. I deserve better.

And so, I not only release the individual’s judgment as ill-advised drivel and a consequence of their own struggles, but I release the individual. I allow them to drift and place a self-protective partition between them and me. If someone is slinging arrows, it’s only reasonable to back away and raise one’s shield.

And so, my judgment response goes something like this.

If someone takes issue with my sparkly son’s feminine flair aesthetic? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone balks at my parenting rules or situation-specific behavior expectations? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone comments negatively on my littlest’s penchant for mud puddles or stick digging or worm finding? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone takes exception to my “extended” breastfeeding or my former efforts as a breastmilk donor? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone provides unsolicited punishment advice or vocally disapproves of my parenting approach? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone judges my children’s behavior or my response to it without knowledge of the before, during, or after of the day? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone disapproves of our dietary choices or religious practices or education choices or daily routines? I release the judgment and give space.

If someone consistently finds fault in my children and/or me? I release the judgment and give space.

I am a bridge-builder, not a bridge-burner, but even with that inclination I deserve to parent my children to the best of MY ability and MY judgment without fearing outside snark. And, as satisfying as a razor sharp comeback may be, there’s no use in starting arguments or lashing out, especially with those who innately critique the world; they simply do not perceive the cloudiness of the window through which they view everyone and everything around them. So, I breathe out and move on in the knowledge that their judgment is a reflection of them and not me.

Parents, I wish you freedom from judgment and, if it does find you, I wish you the ability to release both it and the misguided critic. Step back and raise your shield. You matter too.

Keep doing your best. Keep loving your flawed children with your flawed human heart. Keep surviving and savoring parenthood one day at a time.

The Sparkly Boy’s Doctor Visit

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Yesterday I took my newly minted 6-year-old for his annual well-check. My son strolled in — flower-printed blouse, pale pink skinny jeans, rainbow sneakers, and a rainbow unicorn headband atop his short, French braided hair. I wasn’t sure of the reactions we’d receive or the questions we’d get — as he was far more flagrantly himself this year than last — but that’s life with my sparkly son.

As with most of my days, the well-check took a surprise turn. It went from health screening to gender-inclusive career advice in a heartbeat.

“What’s your name?” “What grade are you in?” “What’s your favorite food?” All the standard pediatrician conversational screening questions. Then, “What do you like to do outside of school?” “Play outside with my friends,” my flower-shirted son said, “and ballet.” Straightening his rainbow unicorn headband on his short French braided hair, he added, “Oh, and ice skating too.” He smiled at the pediatrician, my son’s striking blue eyes peeking through ebony eyelashes.

“Well then,” replied the doctor, wheeling his chair closer, “which one do you like better: ballet or skating?” This was clearly a humdinger of a question. My son tapped his delicate finger on the paper-sheathed exam table. “Hmmm… ballet.” “I was in a ballet performance. ‘Sleeping Beauty!'” “Did you like it?” Responded the physician. My son nodded emphatically and I added how even with 3- to 4-hour long ballet rehearsals, he still couldn’t wait to attend ballet classes afterwards. “You may have to step it up, then,” the doctor warmly grinned, “this is such a fun time when kids really begin to hone in on their interests. My daughter did the same with soccer. If he likes it, go for it!” My son beamed at the suggestion.

What’s your favorite color, the doctor asked, holding a light in front of my son’s eyes. “Glittery purple.” The pediatrician put down his light and grabbed his stethoscope and cellphone… both dark purple. “You see these?” He asked my son. “I searched to find ones that matched and this is as close as I got. I love purple. ANY shade of purple, from lavender to plum… but I really like this dark shade like my phone case best. We BOTH like purple!” Both my son and the physician grinned. The doctor returned his stethoscope and cellphone to their respective positions and resumed his eye examination.

“I never thought to say, ‘glittery purple’… that’s a great color! Very specific.” As he had my son follow the light with his eyes, the doctor continued, “Do you know I have SIX purple shirts I wear to work?! All shades of purple. I love purple.” My son smiled, clearly envisioning all six purple tops.

The visit continued with all of the usual wellness checks: ears, nose, throat, etc. “Can you hop down so I can check your back?” Requested the doctor. My son landed in soft precision on the gray speckled tiles.

“You know, you’ll be very strong if you become a ballet dancer,” the doctor said, lifting the back of my son’s blue and pink flowered shirt. “And I’ve never seen a ballet dancer with poor posture. You’ll stand so tall!” He patted my son’s head saying that his back looked healthy.

The doctor looked at me, pausing his chart notes, “Theater and dance are two professions people do because it’s what they love. You don’t hear people in that line of work moan, ‘Ugh I have to go to work.’ It’s not like an office job.” He looked towards the ceiling as if struck with a poignant realization, “That would be wonderful,” he said quietly with a gentle smile.

The doctor put down his pen and turned to my son, looking him kindly in the eye, “I really want that for you,” he said, “I want you to really enjoy what you do.” The doctor turned to me, “Wouldn’t that be fantastic?”

I nodded, tears in my eyes.

It would be.

One Year Since My Diagnosis

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One year ago today, one word changed much of my life. That word destroyed me. It humiliated me. It turned my perspective upside down. It changed my already complicated relationship with food. It upended my sense of self. It empowered me.

“You have Endometriosis,” my OB/Gyn said after a painful pelvic exam and consultation. I’d waddled into her office in pain, holding back tears, positioning myself precariously on the edge of the exam table so as not to put any pressure on my painful nether regions.

“It feels like when I was pregnant with my second child,” I explained, “and he was stubbornly positioned head down from 19-weeks on.” Just as during those brutal weeks of pregnancy, I was swollen, my pelvis felt heavy, my intestines felt squished, I had the distinct feeling that a bowling ball was trying to exit via my perineum. But, unlike when I was pregnant, I didn’t have a baby-in-waiting to blame for my round-the-clock woes. So I’d visited my doctor hoping for relief and maybe even answers.

“You have almost every symptom,” the doctor explained. “You’re not a candidate for birth control,” I was a unicorn who managed to get every bad and unusual side-effect from hormone-altering medications and I was terribly cyst-prone when on such medicine. “…or Lupron,” she said. Lupron was a not-entirely-effective and sometimes worsening medication that induced temporary menopause, “so you have two options.” I listened intently, not breathing. “You can get pregnant and possibly get some temporary relief,” though I discovered later that my increasingly rough pregnancies were likely due to my Endometriosis flaring during pregnancy… because I’m a freakin’ unicorn. “Or…” I inhaled waiting for her next suggestion, “you can get a radical hysterectomy.”

Everything stopped. My breath. My heart. The world.

2.5-years postpartum from my third child, with a 6- and 4-year-old at home too, I wasn’t exactly looking to add to my youthful herd. But I wasn’t entirely set on nullifying that option either. And I certainly wasn’t looking to have an entire complex operating system within my body extracted either.

I cried. (I do not cry in public.)

I was in no way prepared for this news. My husband wasn’t going to be prepared for this news. I had made the appointment thinking maybe she’d tell me I had another ovarian cyst or some inflammation. I was not thinking organ removal was a possibility. Endometriosis was never on my radar.

After the months in college when I was painfully sick and ran the gamut of medical tests to no avail, after the invasive fertility tests and various doctors I’d seen in a quest to conceive our first child, after conceiving and birthing three children, after undergoing two c-sections, and after having gallbladder removal, NO ONE had even floated that diagnosis. Not in all those years. Not once.

I dried my eyes and waddled back to my car with nothing but a co-pay, an awful diagnosis, and two non-option “treatment” options to show for my doctor visit. I sat in the driver’s seat staring at the steering wheel. My mind was simultaneously spinning and standing still. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted someone to fix this. I wanted to understand what the hell this diagnosis even was!

All I’d ever “known” about Endometriosis prior to that day was that it involved painful PMS and bad periods. And I’d say that horrendously under-informed knowledge base is what most everyone in the general public shared.

Quickly, I discovered how much more Endometriosis entailed. Then I uncovered something else: I knew SO many women who directly suffered from the ailment but they never talked about it.

Like infertility and countless other women’s health issues, Endometriosis was rife with shame. It was considered a “private matter” something to keep secret. All of those “frigid women” we heard and read about in literature and movies, many could have been silently suffering from Endometriosis. And here society blamed and shamed them for a medical condition they never asked to have.

The more I researched, the angrier I got. By a month in, I was incensed. I was angry at the medical community for not researching treatments and for continuing to represent ineffective if not worsening and torturous methods as “solutions.” I was frustrated with perpetually transmitted misinformation. I was mad a fellow suffers’ silence. I was infuriated at society for blaming and shaming and degrading sufferers. I was livid at God/the universe, my body for giving me this curse. After all of my struggles, after all of my efforts, after all I’d conquered, why this? Why me?

But, then, reason descended. Why not this? Why not me? If everything else in my life — good, bad, beautiful, traumatic — had been fortuitous in its ability to lead me in growth and direction, how could this be any different?

So I accepted my diagnosis and decided to give it voice, to be the voice I had so desperately wanted to hear when I was initially diagnosed. If I could stand as an example of unashamed living, others might join me. Maybe. And together — or all on my own — we could chip away at the shame and misinformation and secrecy and medical ignorance that had plagued the Endometriosis community for so long. Maybe. Either way, it was worth a shot.

So, I researched treatments and realized that everything that had been presented to me as my “only options”, were not. Not only were they not likely to work for me, but they were incredibly likely to worsen my condition if not heap other medical woes on top of my already bountiful plate.

I came across two treatments that had some sturdy numbers behind them without all of the nasty side effects. 1) Excision by a vetted physician, 2) dietary adjustments.

I booked an appointment with a semi-local excision specialist to get a pre-op consult. My husband balked, afraid of the prospect of my going under the knife for a fourth time in our relationship. With three young children who relied on me as their primary caretaker and my body’s issues with sedation, he was understandably concerned. So, I cancelled the appointment and opted for diet.

Interestingly, though perhaps less than coincidentally, I had adopted the recommended gluten-free plant-based diet a year prior. However, additional adjustments needed to be made. Take specific supplements. Lower stress. Be active. Reduce, if not eliminate alcohol. Limit soy. Nix chocolate. Avoid processed sugar. Eat as much of a whole foods plant-based diet as possible. Eat like a bunny.

Basically, the goal was to reduce inflammation in the already inflamed body. So, over time, I adjusted my lifestyle and diet. I popped dietary supplements. I ensured I stuck to my daily yoga and meditation routine. I was physically active every day. And — much to my already-deprived chagrin — I relinquished one cherished indulgence after the next.

And now, I’m here. Where is that?

I still have pain. I’m still figuring it all out. BUT I’m better. I am so much better. My cycles are regular for the first time in my life. My pain is lessened. I can walk during ovulation, unlike before when I was bedridden or waddling for 1-3 days.

My flow is still far heavier than any average human, but my switch to using a menstrual cup has been a life changer. Not only am I aware of what is going on with my body and not soaking through three tampons and overnight pads within three waking hours, but I can live my life. No more bleeding through pants or waking up covered in blood. I feel human again, even in my superhuman hyper-menstrual state.

My supplements make a massive difference in my health and pain levels. When I have accidentally skipped one, I suffer for an entire menstrual cycle. I have learned their value.

My daily yoga and meditation is helpful in countless ways. Not only are my inner calm and my inner joy more easily accessible and now my natural inclinations, but I’m more in tune with my body. My stress level — though still in flux as a parent and a human — is lower than before. It takes far more to rile me than it used to. I still have my off days or temperamental times, but they’re less severe than before.

My diet is strict but notably helpful. So, as much as I miss my old dietary freedoms, I appreciate the reduced pain. I eat no gluten, no animal products or byproducts, no chocolate, limited soy, limited alcohol, and a mostly raw plant-based whole foods diet until 5PM each day, at which point I eat cooked gluten-free vegan food. Some days I’ll eat cooked food for lunch, but that is all. Other than coffee and hummus, my breakfast, lunch, and snacks are uncooked whole produce. I physically and energetically feel better. My inflammation is minute. I am comfortable most days.

In terms of how the diagnosis affected my marriage, we’ve been through it over the last year. At least the pain and related anxiety I felt were given an explanation, but they were also not provided any hope of a cure. As much as the struggles caused a rift between us and lead to many nights of tears and anger and resentment and frustration and loneliness while still together, my husband and I found a way to work together. To appreciate and celebrate when things DO work.

We communicate about what works and what doesn’t, what is working — in terms of my actual physical body — and what isn’t, what hurts and what doesn’t, where I am in my cycle. That communication is key. It keeps us connected, him aware, and helps me not feel so alone in my struggle. My journey.

And, so, a year later I am a year wiser. I am a year stronger. I am a year healthier. I am a year more determined not to let Endometriosis rule me.

After all, Endometriosis isn’t a death sentence; it’s a life sentence. And this is my life.